WILL AMERICA STILL EXIST AFTER TRUMP’S JULY 4 UFC BRAWL AT THE WHITE HOUSE?
To celebrate our 250th birthday bash, the President wants blood and gore from fighters on the lawn of his residence — with Dana White in charge — which suggests there won’t be a country the next day
Why stage a UFC brawl at the White House? Let immigrants duel ICE there. Let Elon Musk torpedo Donald Trump. When Dana White, who once slapped his wife at a New Year’s Eve party, declares the forthcoming celebration as “EPIC!!” — there actually is much more elegance the President can slur when he throws a 250th birthday bash for America.
“We’re going to have a UFC fight, think of this, on the grounds of the White House,” Trump said. “We have a lot of land there. We’re going to have a UFC fight, championship fight, full fight.”
If he invites Conor McGregor, my old neighbor in Los Angeles, the President also will include an accused rapist on July 4. “I would be honored. Count me in!” he said, though he hasn’t fought in four years. We’ve seen how movie theaters are trashed after normal UFC events. Explain what happens if dozens, hundreds or thousands of nuts march onto the lawn to see goons kick, gouge and slaughter each other?
Blood, gore and ambulances at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW? Directly under a new flagpole that proclaims the United States as “One nation. Under God. Forever proud,” as Trump presides over the bedlam? Remember when John F. Kennedy played touch football there in 1962? When Dwight D. Eisenhower needed a putting green? When Richard Nixon went bowling on a one-lane alley? When Bill Clinton jogged on a quarter-mile track?
This is a horror movie beyond horrific. Who sets up an Octagon and where? Who will perform security? Who cleans up? What if someone tries to crash the inner gates? “So every one of our national parks, battlefields and historic sites are going to have special events in honor of America 250,” said Trump, who wants to look out the window and see fighters who might be carrying drugs and weapons. No one has died after a UFC event, though at least seven have been killed in mixed martial arts competitions since 2019.
Imagine a first fatality at our nation’s museum, where the President is committed to “making all Americans safe and secure once again.” Trump is an avid fan of the dirt sport and supports White, the CEO, to the point they were together in Florida on election night. ICE confrontations are part of Trump’s life during his two recent visits to UFC fights.
“ICE, ICE baby,” he could chant with Vanilla Ice.
“Dead serious,” press secretary Karoline Leavitt said of the grand plan, though she wouldn’t confirm a new UFC marquee declaring Dana as king of the White House.
The gathering should not happen — does anyone believe it should? — and alarms should screech when White and McGregor enter. Dana and wife Anne were seen hammering each other in a Cabo San Lucas bar, where both were intoxicated. “You've heard me say for years, ‘There's never ever an excuse for a guy to put his hands on a woman,’ and now here I am on TMZ talking about it,” White said then. This man will be in charge of UFC at the executive mansion.
McGregor is in trouble in ways that haven’t reached Trump’s desk. A woman in Ireland, Nikita Hand, won a civil rape case last November. He must pay more than $250,000 in damages. He has lost endorsements. Did he take cocaine that night? Didn’t he face a sexual battery claim after a 2023 NBA Finals game at the Miami Heat arena?
No one cares — as McGregor claims he will take over the Irish presidency. “July 4th next year is a Saturday, regarding President Trump’s UFC White House event. I will be the reigning President of Ireland just under 1 year when I step out on the lawns of the White House to throw down,” he wrote on X. “Epic proportions! Or as I like to call it, Tuesday at the office. Vote McGregor.”
We would prefer if Trump fathoms a way to host soccer’s World Cup next summer and the 2028 U.S. Olympics in fire-battered L.A. Next July 4, he’ll have a blaze of fireworks. He will have private suites. Cocaine will be available for McGregor.
If Elon Musk is sly, he can weasel in and attack Trump.
I’d watch.
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Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host. Living in Los Angeles, he gravitated by osmosis to film projects.