WHY IS CHICAGO THE WORST SPORTS TOWN IN AMERICA? BECAUSE I’M NOT THERE

Had I stayed in town, every team wouldn’t be in last place or in no-man’s land, which is what happens when a major market allows media sadsacks while hardass Boston wins 13 championships since 2002

     Let me imagine the grimace on my bartender’s face and the mope of the restaurant owner. They could be associated with “The Bear,” given the program’s collective crises, and they were people who reflected Chicago’s failures in sports. No city in this nation depends on local teams to provide life’s joys — and with the ongoing flops of the White Sox, Cubs, Bears, Bulls and Blackhawks, we are looking at the saddest of boroughs.

     I remember when fans loathed me. Should I ask: Do you miss me? This is, by every metric and year-to-year statistic, the worst of times. Do you recall when I threatened jail sentences for owners and executives of those operations? Some fans thought I was too harsh and wanted me drowned in the lake, ignoring how I was protecting them from management buffoonery.

     Now, you probably want me back to do the drowning. The media people are so soft and fanboyish, they say and write the same understated crap and never correct the existing state of affairs. I’ve always viewed Boston as the great civic antithesis. The pressure is created in the daily content, which is why New England has won 13 league championships since 2002. I safely can assume in 2024 that Chicago won’t win again as long as a Reinsdorf is attached to the Sox and Bulls, a McCaskey to the Bears and, presumably, a Ricketts to the Cubs. Only five titles have arrived since Michael Jordan was chased away by a pissant owner — three by the hockey team, the last nine years ago — and folks remain homogenous, accepting the dreadful because no one knows how to drive it away. Only two cities have larger populations in America. Is everyone too busy shooting off fireworks and starting 13 fires?

     Or why bother when NASCAR, which Jordan contends will “die” as a team owner disgusted by business practices, decides to take over city streets this weekend?

     Once, the city was ruled by lords in the press box and barkers on the airwaves. No one pays attention to them anymore, so why blame Marc Silverman for the losing when his WMVP ratings are rock-bottom? If I remained there, instead of blowing off 15 years of newspaper expiration, I’d have told Tom Ricketts that Jed Hoyer is just an old tavern pal of Theo Epstein, and I’d have told George McCaskey that Ryan Poles cannot blow a maelstrom of good fortune, and I’d have told Danny Wirtz that Connor Bedard might leave in a few years, and I’d have told Michael Reinsdorf that Arturas Karnisovas is another Gar/Pax fraud, and I’ve have told Jerry Reinsdorf to die soon.

     I’ve seen Chicago when a team wins championships, such as the Bulls in the 1990s or the Bears in 1985. What happened in the 21st century? The same old farts still own the teams — if you’d like, Virginia McCaskey is 101 and Reinsdorf is 88. Ricketts took over the Cubs when the Tribune Company keeled over in 2009, and while he renovated Wrigley Field, the current Cubs have become baseball’s biggest disappointments and look like the forerunners who couldn’t win between 1909 and 2015. Wirtz runs the Hawks after father Rocky died last summer, but since 2018, the team has finished 31st, 30th, 27th, 21st, 23rd, 20th and 25th in the NHL.

     Want more grotesque numbers? Even with Caleb Williams, who might have no idea what’s ahead, the Bears have had one winning campaign and suffered seven double-digit-loss years since 2013. The Cubs gave up on their 2016 shining moment, handing away Kyle Schwarber before he became a massive swinger in Philadelphia — and soon will retool again and trade Cody Bellinger after 71-91, 74-88 and 83-79 seasons. The Sox might be the worst two-year team in baseball history, trying to avoid more losses than the 40-120-1 New York Mets after starting 25-64 and finishing 61-101 last season. And the Bulls, whose Jordan statue might disintegrate, have had one winning season since 2016 while run by Reinsdorf’s son.

     Every team is in last place or in no-man’s land, which is how “The Bear” ended.

     I live in Los Angeles, where folks are semi-mad because the Dodgers and Lakers haven’t won titles since … 2020. When teams lose, fans do something else such as biking to the beach, which was cool today. Do they care Bronny James signed for $7.9 million? No, because LeBron’s team can’t win. In Chicago, nine million peeps care more than they should, but local media have slumbered into nothing. No one is around to fight these bastards, and when I decided to leave, I realized no one had the guts to carry on. Which sportswriters do you read? Anyone? Do you know their names? Their newspapers? Anyone slugging away on the radio? Or will hosts be fired by weakling nerds who care too much about Jed and Jerry and George?

     When I return — trumpeters and drummers shouldn’t bother — I pledge to sit behind home plate at a Sox game as they challenge the 1962 Mets. Then I intend to see Caleb Williams play for the Bears. Somewhere, there is hope.

     As our average life expectancy hovers at 77.5 years.

     ###

     Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host. Living in Los Angeles, he gravitated by osmosis to film projects.