WHERE OH WHERE IS KEVIN WARREN AS BELICHICK INTERVIEWS AT NORTH CAROLINA?

If nothing else, the president and CEO of the Chicago Bears should set up a session with the most accomplished of NFL head coaches, who might laugh out loud after a serious meeting with the Tar Heels

This is not a liner note on Kevin Warren’s Apple Watch. Bill Belichick interviewed for a coaching vacancy at the University of North Carolina, which has nothing to do with his 24-year-old girlfriend and the Porsche she drives to cheerleading practice. Nor does it involve their Thursday night debut on the red carpet at The Museum Gala in New York, where he was in a tux and Jordon Hudson wore a black gown.

“Featuring,” as the New York Post reported, “a sophisticated high slit.”

True, so true, Belichick is available for hire by anyone — including the Bears and other teams that have fired coaches, the New Orleans Saints and New York Jets. He is not employed in the NFL, meaning Warren can begin his new career immediately and pursue a sideline leader without obeying league rules and waiting until January. Might he check his long list and interview the most prominent coach of all time? Then again, that assumes Belichick wants any traction with the Bears, a team he has mauled this season as a multimedia commentator.

Already, it seems, a collegiate program with NIL payments and transfer portals will make Warren look weak as a president and CEO. What if Belichick blows off a Bears chat and becomes a Tar Heel, which Michael Jordan would consider a major diss of Chicago? Doesn’t Warren have to try anyway? Halas Hall already is clear that the next coach will be “a leader of men.” No one was a bigger leader of men than Belichick, with discharges of controversy, as he led the New England Patriots to six Super Bowl titles. If nothing else, he should have been contacted after the story broke Thursday.

“I’m Kevin Warren. I am the high-and-mighty leader of the Chicago Bears,” he would say, reiterating his audacious comments from Monday’s media conference: “We need an individual who has extremely high standards, who is tough, who is demanding, who is bright, who has attention to detail, who seeks and will win championships, who creates an environment of accountability, who’s creative, who’s intelligent, who’s a decisive decision maker, and who will represent the city of Chicago, all of our fans, this franchise, in a manner that is well deserved.”

Maybe Belichick would laugh. Maybe he’d wait for Jerry Jones in Dallas. Maybe he’d move to Chapel Hill. Why not contact him? Warren can’t schedule an in-person interview with Ben Johnson, the coveted offensive coordinator in Detroit, until the week of the conference championship games. Same goes for other NFL-hired coaches. This way, he can sit down and explain the Bears to someone who sneers at them. He should hear Belichick’s take on the Timeout That Wasn’t Called By Matt Eberflus.

“I always felt it was a cumulative effect. What we tried to do was have one word that describes the situation: Bingo! One word told everybody what we wanted,” Belichick said of his communication with Tom Brady. “It was important in those situations for me to be on the same page with the quarterback. Tom and I had to be on the same page.”

Eberflus and Caleb Williams just yelled Crash!

That would be Crisis No. 1. And the team as a whole? “The bigger thing is just where the Bears are,” said Belichick, dropping sarcasm. “They have this All-Star quarterback, these All-Star receivers, the greatest skill players in the history of football. And the offensive line, a problem. They can't run the ball, they can't protect. And then you get into a situation where too many negative plays, too many turnovers, too many long-yarded situations. And it's been a tough look.”

His shots have been merciless toward Warren’s demoted shotgun cohort, Ryan Poles, and how he built the Bears without the offensive-line presence of, say, the Lions. And why would he subject Williams to frostbite the night after Christmas at Soldier Field? Said Belichick: “That’s not a strength of the Bears team. I’m not really sure how they’re putting that together. But to chuck it 50 times in Chicago on a long-term basis is tough.” So, forget about the general manager. They should be talking about life, such as why The Museum Gala didn’t invite Warren and why the New York Times didn’t choose him among its 63 Most Stylish People of 2024.

Won’t at least eight other NFL teams seek new head coaches? Would it also make sense to have a very quiet — and very illegal — conversation this weekend in the Bay Area, where Kyle Shanahan might want a new gig as he plays the Bears? The 49ers have had their Super Bowl runs, coming very close, and CEO Jed York might want a new coach after a season of wicked injuries and locker-room burnout. “When you don’t win games, the vibe is definitely different,” tight end George Kittle said.

“Bad news is all I hear,” cornerback Deommodore Lenoir said.

Would the Bears try something as oddballish as a trade for Shanahan? It seems beyond Warren and certainly George McCaskey to offer high draft picks, but recently, Denver sent a first-round choice and a second-round choice to New Orleans for coach Sean Payton. He won an NFL championship. Shanahan did not — still, he’d be a fascinating whisperer for Williams after making a February quarterback of Mr. Irrelevant, Brock Purdy. A trade is worthy of corporate consideration. Right, Kevin? He loves telling people about the joys of Chicago, such as this wink to stadium purveyors: “The most beautiful piece of land in the world with the lake.” Fans want someone to maximize Williams, even as an Amazon analyst suggested the Bears could keep Thomas Brown as offensive coordinator and hire Detroit’s Aaron Glenn as a coaching rocket ship.

Please. Eyes should be on Shanahan, who can’t be called until after the regular season if the 49ers miss the playoffs.

Asked about Williams, he said this week, “As talented as there is. The stuff that you saw in college, you can see in the NFL. As good of a thrower as there is, born to play the position, got the athletic ability to do whatever, he’s got the speed to do whatever. He’s gotten a lot of playing time, he’s getting better as this year goes. I think he’s getting a lot more consistent. I think he’s been playing his best ball probably here the last few weeks. He’s put them in a chance to win here in these last few games there.”

Wouldn’t he love to have Williams when he was forced to exist with Purdy and Jimmy Garoppolo? Belichick and Shanahan — this is serious territory for a franchise that has settled on Eberflus, Matt Nagy, John Fox and Marc Trestman as coaches. Warren was on board last year when Jim Harbaugh reportedly was interested in replacing Eberflus, who kept the job because Warren, Poles and McCaskey agreed on him. According to a report from former NFL general manager Michael Lombardi and a longtime Chicago talk host, Dan McNeil, Warren said no to Harbaugh. He’s 8-4 in Los Angeles with the Chargers.

“Kevin Warren is running that team. Let’s make no mistake about it. You can sit there and say somebody else is, but he is,” Lombardi told McAfee. “And that story about Jim Harbaugh is completely true. Remember, Warren and Harbaugh had some differences … when Warren was commissioner of the Big Ten and Harbaugh was at Michigan.”

Differences? When Warren canceled the 2020 Big Ten season due to the pandemic, Harbaugh popped him. “Our student-athletes and coaches want to compete. They have committed, trained and prepared their entire lives for this opportunity, and I know how much they’re disappointed at this time,” he said. “I share in their disappointment.”

Is it possible, in one swoop, that Warren will mishandle Bill Belichick, Kyle Shanahan and Jim Harbaugh? This is a team looking for its sixth head coach since 2012. I know he loves Oak Street Beach, even the Yacht Rock cruises, but lake juxtaposition has nothing to do with continuing franchise dysfunction. Belichick has a repainted yacht in Nantucket, called “VIII Rings” as he includes two titles as a Giants assistant.

Let’s assume the USS Kevin is washed ashore until he makes the first phone call.

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Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host. Living in Los Angeles, he gravitated by osmosis to film projects.