THE RAMS ARE THE NFL’s DODGERS, WITH GARRETT — DONALD? — AND A SOFI WISH
The city is struggling with two duds running for mayor, but at least Los Angeles has a football team as dominant as the baseball champions — a “F them picks” mode led to a massive trade with Cleveland
If Los Angeles needs a mayor, why not Shia LaBeouf? The incumbent, Karen Bass, has destroyed the city and will ruin the 2028 Olympics with an Epstein-connected chairman. She’ll face off against Spencer Pratt, who will host Celebrity Big Brother reality shows and claim he lives in a trailer when he was located at the luxury Hotel Bel-Air.
A better thought is deciding whether the Rams or the Dodgers are better suited for a championship. If we want positives in a burned-out, drugged-up town, have we ever seen two franchises far beyond prohibitive-favorite status? Shohei Ohtani reduced his earned-run average to 0.74 on an evening when he reached base five times, meaning he’s hitting .301. What fool is picking against the Dodgers to win three straight titles?
“He’s the best player that’s ever walked this earth,” catcher Will Smith said this week.
Yet the Rams responded by acquiring Myles Garrett, one of the leading pass-rushers of all time, which might prompt Aaron Donald’s return to the same monster line that mocks Muscle Beach. This is the defensive version of what the front office did five years ago, landing Matthew Stafford to win a championship at SoFi Stadium. Where will the Super Bowl be played next February?
SoFi Stadium.
No one is certain about the city’s future. But two parades are possible in the coming months, which creates the same league-wide dislike of the Rams that the Dodgers have experienced since 2024. At some point, maybe Stafford and Ohtani could run for office. They’d win, but at the moment, both want to repeat as league MVPs. The fantasy of watching Garrett and perhaps Donald attack quarterbacks — consider it madness.
“To be courageous every single day and go swing — and see what the hell happens,” said coach Sean McVay, who loves hell.
All while Garrett leaves Cleveland, where he was stuck in the Deshaun Watson trade mess, to compete for a title. “It just breaks down to the timing of everything,” he said. “What does it realistically look like to be a winner now? And to have an opportunity to do that immediately, that was an opportunity that was just too difficult to pass up. I always have love in my heart for Cleveland — the city, the community and all the players and everything else. But the opportunity to come here, have a profound impact on this team, it was something I just had to move forward with.”
Just as Jared Goff had to be swapped for Stafford, general manager Les Snead gave up defensive end Jared Verse, a 2027 first-round draft pick, a 2028 second-round pick and a 2029 third-round pick. Once again, Snead is in his “F them picks” mode, which is how the Rams continue to contend while other teams take way too long. “We feel really fortunate that this feels very similar when we were fortunate enough to be able to acquire a player like Matthew Stafford,” McVay said. “Things like this don’t present themselves, and we wanted to be aggressive.”
Why are Snead and McVay always on the other end of the phone? They also acquired cornerback Trent McDuffie and await word from Donald, who has been retired since 2024. “I’m for sure flirting with the idea,” Donald, 35, told an NFL insider. “Hell of an opportunity with the Super Bowl in SoFi this year. If I can find the fire, it’s a possibility.”
Turning loose sack-mauling crankshafts only helps the offense, where Stafford needs receiver Puka Nacua, who apparently has made progress in a rehab facility after falling off an emotional deep end. “Something that I feel like I’ve learned is, it’s OK to ask for support,” Nacua told the Los Angeles Times. “And then to recognize the platform that I have is being a professional football player — and trying to use that for the betterment of myself and for those around me.”
Suddenly, the Rams take over as the most dominant TV draw — especially when they play Seattle. The Chiefs are rebounding. The Bears and Caleb Williams have a difficult schedule. And the Patriots? Mike Vrabel seems to be a family man after his rendezvous with reporter Dianna Russini was exposed. Should he keep his job when she resigned from her gig? He reached the Super Bowl. She was not a Super Bowl newsbreaker.
“I love Jen. I love the boys. I love my personal friends,” said Vrabel, referring to his wife and sons Tyler and Carter.
He also acquired receiver A.J. Brown from Philadelphia without the help of Russini, who had been involved in the story. “Obviously, I know this ain’t heaven. But it’s close to it,” said Brown, who didn’t like Jalen Hurts but loves Drake Maye. “I was just talking to my mom and saying, ‘I’m still in awe.’ Walking up the hill with the uniform, I was like, ‘Man, this is real.’ I caught myself at one point in practice, I wasn’t paying attention because I was like, ‘dang.’ Just trying to take it all in as much as I can.”
The Rams will be scrutinized starting Sept. 10, when they play the 49ers at Melbourne Cricket Ground in Australia. Last year, I wandered to London and saw Stafford throw five touchdown passes in a 35-7 victory over Jacksonville.
“Do I get a sword or something,” he said.
This time, give it to Garrett and Donald. Let them massacre the enemy.
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Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host.