THE BEARS, THE POLITICIANS, THE SOFT MEDIA — THEY ALL DESERVE HAMMOND, INDIANA
With a radical move close to happening, Illinois should stop fighting and let the Bears move to a slag heap in another state — the team legacy is gone, while Indiana's governor already is citing 1985
If a Hoosier is a bumpkin, in coldest terms, the Chicago Bears are welcome to embrace uncouth territory in their miserable lives. The concept of building a stadium in Hammond reminds us that George McCaskey was best suited as the team’s ticket manager and will have trouble communicating with Papa Bear Halas in a seance.
There is no need to plan for a parade, because a championship won’t be won until the franchise is sold. The idea of a shocking Indiana route from Wolf Lake to the BP Whiting Refinery through East Chicago — into Gary, home of America’s largest steel mill complex — is the worst farce ever spoken in Illinois. I’ve already said Michael Jackson’s hits can be played before games, even if mothers and fathers are appalled. I’ve already said players and coaches, living in or near Lake Forest, can prepare for 17 road games a year in a site 50 traffic-heavy miles away.
No politician in Illinois should bother uprooting them from the plan, announced Friday. What’s the point when McCaskey has removed Chicago from the Bears? Is it too late to install Vince Vaughn in management, so he can rescue the team instead of participating in a Caleb Williams tease for Madden NFL 27? Have George and hopeless cohort Kevin Warren considered giving the quarterback a tour of their likely new home? Will they take him through the city, including his favorite pizza stand, onto the Dan Ryan Expressway and past 66th Street, where he’ll pass Vocational High School — home of Dick Butkus — and hop onto the Chicago Skyway, where my tire was almost shredded. From there, every time I’ve been on the journey, the sky turns hazy.
And then they’ll reach a slag heap in Indiana. From here on out, there is zero chance Williams re-signs with the Bears when the stadium is located in a pit of life. One last time: Is Bill Murray doing a prank and preparing us for a long laugh? Will Peyton Manning also be on stage, chuckling. I see no Murray, no Manning.
Cancel your season tickets. Turns out McCaskey was telling the truth when he said two months ago: “I don’t think in the end it’s going to matter to people. Back in 1976, the New York Football Giants went across the state line to New Jersey and they’ve been there ever since. The Jets joined shortly thereafter and then 35 years later both teams had an opportunity to re-evaluate their situations and recommitted to New Jersey. And somehow the republic has survived. … People are going to have to be allowed some time to get used to it. I think Bears fans are up to it.”
Some time? The life expectancy in Illinois is 76.8 years. No one is interested in waiting for the chill to subside. Kill all films about the Bears. They are close to a radical move, even if Mayor Brandon Johnson tells a few more lies about Chicago sites. The legacy is about gone. Chicago should sue and force them to become the Hammond Bears. Didn’t Richie and Mikey take the mean drive on “The Bear” prequel?
“Yesterday, the Chicago Bears Board of Directors met and voted to advance our stadium development project in Hammond, Indiana, with the exact site to be selected,” McCaskey and Warren said in a release. “We believe a world-class stadium project in Hammond will transform the region, connecting Northwest Indiana to the South Side of Chicago through the Loop and across neighborhoods and suburbs stretching north of the city. It will bring Chicagoland together and deliver new opportunities to its residents and businesses.”
Who knew McCaskey could unite Illinois and Indiana? In truth, call him the newest cheapskate — say hi to Jerry Reinsdorf — in Chicago sports. He is committing $2 billion to the project and still couldn’t get a wink in his state, preferring a tax deal in which Indiana invests $1 million while the Bears retain stadium revenue. Good luck attracting big musical names to Northwest Indiana. The NFL will hold its nose in granting a Super Bowl, but is there any hope of a college football championship game or the Final Four?
In Hammond?
Mike Braun, governor of Indiana, believes anything is possible after hearing the news. Didn’t Dan Quayle come from the state? “We look forward to building a partnership as strong as the ‘85 Bears defense,” he actually said, “creating opportunities and economic growth that will benefit our state and the Bears organization for decades to come. An NFL franchise in Northwest Indiana will be an economic boost to the entire region like we haven’t seen before.”
The City That Works has become The Worst City. The Bears, the politicians, the soft media — they all deserve Hammond, Indiana.
Bumpkinville.
The republic might not survive.
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Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host.