READY TO TOAST A GLOBAL MOMENT, U.S. KICKED IN THE HEAD AGAIN

Hype over a youthful squad faded in the Qatari desert, where a late blown lead reminded us of our ongoing soccer reality — America will remain a World Cup afterthought until further notice

     Now THIS was a cause worthy of a long-overdone, now-essential “USA!” chant. A group of lads who comprise the second-youngest squad in the World Cup — one unaware of Prince’s musical genius, three not old enough to drink legally in the U.S., another who was “in my mom’s belly” the last time the USMNT reached the quarterfinals, another who wore patriotic hair dye — was surviving a scrum that included all the physicality and dubious officiating of an NFL game.

     So what if Wales, making its first Cup appearance since 1958, was only one notable player removed from being Wrexham. Soccerphiles know it as the downtrodden Welsh club purchased and resuscitated by actors Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenny and featured on an FX docu-series, and for the longest time Monday, Team USA looked ready to become a prime-time TV attraction itself. Just hold a 1-0 lead and look ahead to Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, when mighty England awaited and the kids could fantasize about their Miracle on Sand, or whatever Qatar has placed beneath the sod of stadiums built with murdered and otherwise mistreated migrant workers.

     And it was happening amid a global firestorm, against the very abuses and corrupt forces we are supposed to decry in America. What a fine time for a fairy tale when FIFA, which already has raked in $7.5 billion in deals connected to the 2022 Cup, has taken bribes from a rogue country that shouldn’t be hosting a pig sty, much less the planet’s biggest sporting spectacle. Only two days in, Qatar has exposed itself as an overwhelmed, unfit host by continuing to defend a deplorable human rights record and by failing to execute basic functions. Such as: handling unruly crowds at the gates and collapsing under the crash of FIFA’s ticket app, which caused chaos among ticket-holders — including suckers who dared to trek thousands of miles from the U.S., only to arrive late in their seats.

     So, yeah, “USA! USA! USA!”

     But … you knew there was going to be a but.

     Rather than let us purge the national embarrassment of four years ago, when America lost to Trinidad and Tobago and missed the Cup, we were reminded that this is a massive institutional rebuild — or reboot, in futbol terms. The boys weren’t ready to grab the victory and three points. They weren’t ready to take control of their destiny in Group B. Result: a mindless mistake in the 82nd minute and a hollow 1-1 tie. No matter how many times Fox runs the ad of Jon Hamm advancing the impossible dream, America is no closer to glory in the global religion than it has been, well, as long as I’ve been alive. Like failing franchises in professional leagues in our country, the USMNT is leaving it up to you whether to support a youthful mission or ask the eternal question.

     Will we EVER be anything but an afterthought in the world soccer order?

     “The most important thing,” said Tim Weah, who scored the only U.S. goal, “is that we didn’t lose.”

     Um, that is not how we think or operate in the United States of America, where we shouldn’t field the second-youngest team in any sports endeavor. Yet soccer remains our curse, the one activity in which we are mocked by nations far beneath us in economic might and life quality. Wales happened to have that notable player, Gareth Bale, who is rented out in Los Angeles for America’s internationally inferior Major League Soccer purposes. In a game filled with attempts to beat up the prime scoring threats, it was Bale who prevailed — drawing a foolish foul by Walker Zimmerman in the penalty zone and converting a kick — while American counterpart Christian Pulisic couldn’t counter in the final minutes. The tie means an early trip home if the U.S. doesn’t beat/tie England or Iran. The best chance, seeing how Harry Kane and the Three Lions debuted with a 6-2 rout of Iran, is hoping the Iranians are distracted by their own issues. The players refused to sing the country’s national anthem, in defiance of their government’s treatment of women, and fans were barred from the stadium — FIFA rules! — unless they surrendered flags of protest. The governing body also refused to let teams wear “One Love” armbands, a statement against Qatar’s anti-gay laws.

     If only the Americans could have brought joy, at least Stateside, in an event filled with everything that’s wrong with 21st-century culture. They came close, with one beautiful takeaway: Josh Sargent leaving the ball for Pulisic, whose crisp feed found an open Weah, who had a clear path to the Welsh goal and beat goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey. All through a nation that had waited 3,066 days for a Cup game, since a Round of 16 loss to Brazil in 2014, we toasted the lads with shots of … Hennessy. Inside Ahmad Bin Ali Stadium, on the desert fringes of Doha in Al Rayvan, U.S. fans attempted to toast with beers, until remembering Qatari rulers had banned alcohol sales to ordinary blokes in the stands, though well-to-do folks in the suites can drink as they please.

     Weren’t we warming up to the coach who has overseen USMNT’s reboot, Gregg Berhalter? Wasn’t it cool how he relates to the kids and allows them to dream (unlike his German-imported predecessor, Jurgen Klinsmann, who told players it was “not possible” to win in 2014)? Didn’t we love Berhalter’s sneakerhead look and simple “STATES” t-shirt on the sideline?

     And wasn’t this a perfect time for Pulisic, tormented by British snobs as he struggles to gain footing at Premier League powerhouse Chelsea, to thumb his nose at the universe and finally prove his chops as “Captain America,” the face of the sport in a country that can’t figure out soccer?

     Not yet.

     Not until 2026, at the earliest, in time for the U.S to host the Cup — and, one would think, serve alcohol in the stands. The Americans are winless in their last 10 World Cup matches against European teams. We remain also-rans until further notice. Jon Hamm can go home now.

     “You feel like you have the game and you’re going to win the game. It’s a punch in the face,” midfielder Brenden Aaronson said.

     “I think it’s pretty clear — disappointing result for us,” goalkeeper Matt Turner said. “We gave them a lifeline. We dropped two points.”

     What was Zimmerman thinking, leaving his sliding tackle of Bale to the devices of a Qatari referee, Abdulrahman Al-Jassim? “He probably just puts his leg not for the ball but to try and get in the way of me hitting the ball,” explained the defender, who, at 29, is not a rookie who can be excused. “So I kind of went through him and I think I still got the ball. But clever move — I wish I would have seen him out of the corner of my eye.”

     Such are the razor-edge differences between winning in the World Cup and not winning. England is next. Kane, the scoring machine, is OK after a roughhouse tackle Monday. Back home, analysts are ripping Berhalter for his team’s “lack of match fitness” and calling for Pulisic to be benched. Maybe the gods aren’t ready to lift the Americans, who didn’t capitalize when Wales barely avoided an early own-goal. Sargent followed with a header off the post.

     Not even a pre-match pep talk from President Biden helped. “I know you’re the underdogs,” he told the team via speakerphone, “but I know you’re going to play your hearts out. So let’s go shock ‘em all.”

     A come-from-ahead tie shocks no one. It only perpetuates the reality of men’s soccer in America. Say an extra prayer at Thanksgiving dinner.

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     Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host. Living in Los Angeles, he gravitated by osmosis to film projects.