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The sports media business is beyond death, with Sports Illustrated becoming the first major publication to use artificial intelligence phonies, leading me to ask how many writers will find new careers

     If you engage two workmanlike eyes, you know my writing situation. I’ve ambushed the biggest names in sports and biggest names in media, when necessary. They despise me and invent lies about me, refusing to accept I’ve written some of the industry’s best stuff for decades, since someone made me a columnist at 25. They administer workplace politics and paint me as the worst man on the planet.

     I love it. A trillion-dollar racket deserves orderly hits of electric shock, just to keep Pat McAfee’s armpit hair under the same black tank-top.

     My story should end there. It doesn’t. Thanks to artificial intelligence, the fact you can call up my pieces for free never has been a greater goldbar. I control what is in my stories, and if you trust me, we’re good. But if I ever took this shillelagh to another place again, let’s consider how it could be disrupted in 2024 and beyond.

     Be nice to gamblers, I could be told.

     Be nice to the leagues, I could be told.

     Be nice to local owners, I could be told.

     Be nice to all advertisers, I could be told.

     Be nice to anyone pumping money our way, I could be told.

     And if not, the honchos can do way more than get rid of me. Now, they can use computer-generated stories to produce what they want. We’ve already seen Sports Illustrated fail to the point of an irretrievable breakdown, publishing work of fake authors with fake biographies. On the SI website Monday, which once featured magnificent tales by Pat Forde and Tom Verducci, an oddball partnership known as AdVon Commerce listed photos of phony AI content people. One with a beard was named “Drew Ortiz,” accompanied by, “Nowadays, there is rarely a weekend that goes by where Drew isn’t camping, hiking, or just back on his parents’ farm.” His computer image was available under the description of “neutral white young-adult male with short brown hair and blue eyes.” With a splendid micro look, Drew could be writing the next Super Bowl game story, or a confident piece about rape on campuses so colleges aren’t mad.

     From here on out, regardless of corporate gobbledygook accusing AdVon of “actions we don’t condone,” nothing written by SI’s longstanding journalists will have the same context and intent. It’s the first of how many major publications to sell out to processed trash? Disney Company, trying to fix the crippling future of ESPN, continues to discuss vital strategic investments with sports leagues. Just what America wants, leagues determining what the fans read. The Athletic keeps losing money and won’t be around too long if the New York Times can’t establish fanboyism in sports, with news-cracker and gambling accomplice Shams Charania, 29, the highest-paid reporter in the company’s deep-rooted history. At present, desperate money-makers might be fond of Ortiz’s viewpoint on volleyball: “It can be a little tricky to get into, especially without an actual ball to practice with.”

     Or that of “Sora Tanaka,” who was for sale in the marketplace as a “joyful asian young-adult female with long brown hair and brown eyes.” Read her bio: “Sora has always been a fitness guru, and loves to try different foods and drinks. Ms. Tanaka is thrilled to bring her fitness and nutritional expertise to the Product Reviews Team, and promises to bring you nothing but the best of the best.”

     As it is, I’ve railed on jokers in the business — Dan Le Batard, Scott Van Pelt — who’ve swallowed wagering deals as their reason for communicative life. It took one day for McAfee the ex-football player to weigh in on the new scandal: “Sports Illustrated’s like, ‘We can’t hire anybody. We don’t have the money. But what if we get 10 more writers? Think with me. Who are they? AI writers!’ ” Meanwhile, McAfee makes $17 million a year. And with more sports aficionados than ever into anything but analysis in a stone-cold world, except some bad bushery tossed by TV musher Tony Romo, it’s a fine time to ask about the future of our industry.

     Is there any? Beyond what I do.

     In a farewell to the Times sports section, which has been gulped down by The Athletic, the famed former columnist Robert Lipsyte sounded awash. He wrote this for Salon: “I’ve continued to wonder about the true purpose of sports coverage. Is it to keep that industry profitable, critique and offer consumer reviews of performance, be that media platform’s most diverting section (like the comics in other papers), provide intelligence for gamblers, or offer real journalistic coverage of a compelling and useful window on society?”

     Ask any media executive and he’ll mutter, “Keep that industry profitable.” Ask ESPN chairman Jimmy Pitaro and he’ll say, “Provide intelligence for gamblers.” Ask me and it’s to give an enthusiastic country a true journalistic look at “a compelling and useful window on society.” Why am I almost alone? During my years at the Chicago Sun-Times, I was turned into an AI Guy without knowing of the concept, listening to editors trying to strangle me and asking me to care about poor fans. I learned soon enough they had their own deals with owners.

     I’ve made my money. I care about journalism. These others? They’re cruds. Said former SI writer Jeff Pearlman, an author who works for himself: “It sucks. This is what we’ve done, with the continued corporatization of media. These companies don’t care about content. At all. It’s entirely clicks and ads and ads and clicks. That’s it, that’s all. I’m not particularly sad, because the Sports Illustrated I loved and worked for … 52 issues a year, 5,000-word pieces, a devotion to craftsmanship, detail, heart and love … is long gone. It just is. This isn’t Sports Illustrated. It’s some bull (expletive) company picking off the last pieces of rotted fat from the carcass of something that was truly great.”

     But at least one of my favorite words about The Athletic folk was picked up by Lipsyte, who referred to “adequate fanboy fare.” Fanboyism! He also said: “Yes, its reportage is far better than anything artificial intelligence could produce.” 

     For now.

     You’ll see writers leave Sports Illustrated and other publications. If they have money, they’ll continue as solo journalists. If they don’t have money, they have a choice: Do something else for a living or change your name and go AI. I was lucky to be in the business when it was at its brightest, from age 25 to 50. Since then, let me introduce you to my good friends, Drew Ortiz and Sora Tanaka.

     If they want, they can help me release a sore kidney stone. Then I’ll proceed to my next real columns on Mark Cuban and Tiger Woods. Anyone else still with me?

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     Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host. Living in Los Angeles, he gravitated by osmosis to film projects.