NOTHING IS MORE FUN THAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL, IF YOU CHUCKLE AT WHAT HURTS
In the NIL economy, most programs seek help to pay players while powerhouses remain atop the standings — Texas, Ohio State, Penn State — as gamblers snap, Dave Portnoy flops and playoff politics rule
Laughter is the heartiest accompaniment to every week, every team, every selection committee meeting and, of course, every scathing postseason dispute between Tony Petitti and Greg Sankey. Please remember: Humor overcomes all uncooked reminders that college football is a younger, reckless form of pro football. Tension won’t bring peace to onlookers this season if they heed the new principles of the NIL age.
Money.
Players must be paid well so they can buy beer, weed and Carson Beck’s Lamborghini Urus Performante, which was stolen in Miami. Am I joking? Sort of. Most kids would prefer vacations, wedding arrangements, investments, help for their families and, in the adorable case of Iowa State quarterback Rocco Becht, Xboxes for use in pediatric wards. The best programs have megabucks, including Michigan, which celebrated a shameful 2023 fraud case by spending $12.5 million on freshman Bryce Underwood. Ohio State has $35 million after collecting $280 million two years ago. Texas has even more, including $6.8 million for a quarterback with a god-given surname. Every school can spend up to $20.5 million on players via direct payments.
Problem is, most programs need more funds — despite the TV rights bundles — because they must support other sports teams. They are turning stadiums into 12-month, round-the-clock event spaces. They want mascots to frequent dating services, if possible. How many universities are copying Oklahoma, which continues to invite paying fans to attend post-game press conferences despite our published broadside last week? Commissioners are looking at private equity while forgetting GPAs and study halls. Did someone say salaries for top head coaches are up 370 percent in 20 years?
Be true to your school, the Beach Boys sang decades ago. Stop being a tool, one school says to another and one conference shouts to another. Despite rampant realignment and oddballish results — Big Ten teams are traveling more than George Clooney in “Up In The Air,” as Stanford and California play in the Atlantic Coast Conference — the contenders haven’t changed much in what remains a same old, same old era.
Predictability.
How perfect that Arch Manning and Texas will take on the Buckeyes this Saturday in Columbus, where Dave Portnoy says he was “banned from coming into the stadium” for his first “Big Noon Kickoff.” Turns out the Michigan goober was banned by his new employer, Fox Sports, which will keep him far from Urban Meyer and other analysts on the main studio desk. Portnoy will be outside, where he belongs and probably will end up in jail. If Manning wins, he becomes the favorite to claim the national championship and Heisman Trophy before he’s taken No. 1 overall in April’s NFL draft. If he loses, maybe Paul Finebaum can cover his midsection. “I don’t think we’ve really seen anything like this. I don’t think there’s ever been anything like Arch Manning,” the ESPN analyst boasted.
Whoa, said Tim Tebow. But don’t pick against him. Said Archibald Charles: “I think that’s all of us at Texas, and I think we kind of try to shift the narrative. We’re going for everyone else. The target’s not on our back, but we’ve got a red dot on everyone else.”
A red dot is colored Burnt Orange. “We're not asking any superhuman efforts of you to do anything that is extraordinary,” said Texas coach Steve Sarkisian, relating what he told Manning. “Just go be you. What you've done is good enough to get us to this point and to get him to this point in this juncture of his career. Now go play the way he's capable of playing to the style that he's comfortable doing it.”
The style might not be doable at The Horseshoe. An Ohio State victory might lead to a campaign featuring Penn State, whch retains Drew Allar at quarterback. Is James Franklin finally prepared to win glory? Or will he exacerbate the ugliest of the ugly — a 1-15 record against top-five teams? Said the perpetually embattled coach: “We embrace that. The best part about all of it? We're in total control. We're in total control to change the narrative, but I love that these are the conversations we're in. That's why I came to Penn State.”
To always lose the big ones? Texas, Ohio State or Penn State could trip, so why not Clemson, where Dabo Swinney refuses to fall into the NIL trap. Maybe he’s the smartest, avoiding the rats, when he offers Cade Klubnik as the country’s best returning quarterback. Never mind his greatest quote: “Klubnik, I suck.” He doesn’t. Georgia replaces Beck with another speedy driver, Gunner Stockton. Notre Dame has a new quarterback in CJ Carr, the grandson of former Michigan coach Lloyd Carr. Alabama is stuck with Kalen DeBoer as head coach, with Nick Saban using his campus binoculars. Those are the favorites, leading us toward poison.
Gambling.
Anyone trying to decipher the meaning of Venmo suddenly has a solution. Social media abuses athletes when bettors lose, but the mobile payment service is providing a secret hotline when creeps reach players. Scandals are happening, thanks to athletes who won’t play in the NFL and meet villains paying prop bets. Try to keep laughing at it all. Until …
Commissioners.
Last we heard from Petitti — whose Big Ten has won the last two national titles — he was offering a postseason involving 28 teams. This is his way of popping Sankey, boss of the Southeastern Conference. “I used to joke, well, next thing they’re going to say is 30. Well, we’re almost there,” cracked Rich Clark, executive director of the College Football Playoff. Fortunately, he added, “I would rather stay at this than rush to a decision that’s not good. So if the decision is to stay at the 12-team playoff until we know more, until we watch that another year, until we can discuss the other options on the table a little bit more, it’s worth sticking to the 12 teams until we can come to really a solid, sound decision for the future.”
The howls come loudest when a 12-team playoff turns to 16 and then to 28. Giggle at the bosses with monster egos. But they must decide by Dec. 1, and if we’re listening to Finebaum’s whims, we’ll be focused on one player.
“For Arch, he grew up in this era of seeing high-level football,” Sarkisian said. “He has watched Super Bowls. He has watched gold jackets getting put on. He’s been to playoff games. He’s been recruited as the No. 1 player in the country.”
Let him carry the season. He will smile. So will we.
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Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host. Living in Los Angeles, he gravitated by osmosis to film projects.