KEEP LAUGHING: THE BEARS WILL USE 13 STAFFERS TO INTERVIEW, SAY, 16 COACHES

In a preponderance of pointlessness, a frail franchise hopes a very dumb man on an insanely long list — from Ben Johnson to Mike Kafka — will accept a job after questions from a human resources chief

Wait, Rahm Emanuel has nothing to do. Tom Skilling is available. Bill Murray would show up in stumbling-and-bumbling form. So would Benny the Bull, fresh off a chess match with Victor Wembanyama, who also should be summoned.

Let’s invite all for a comedy revue at Halas Hall, where the Chicago Bears will ask no fewer than 13 members of their senior leadership staff to interview what could be 16 or more prospective head coaches. Is this some sort of weird orgy? Have Rahm or Murray contribute. The idea, apparently, is to make certain they hire the right man after missing lamely in their last four hires.

More likely, they’ll chase them away and cause fender benders in the parking lot.

A day doesn’t pass without this franchise establishing new levels of laughter. Tuesday, Kevin Warren and Ryan Poles were joined in the heckle zone by George McCaskey, who provided louder reasons for a city to chant “Sell the team!” and avoid games. “Our fans are passionate. They’re incredibly frustrated,” said McCaskey, the chairman. “They wanted to make their voices heard. I was more bothered by the week before when Lions fans tried to take over Soldier Field … It’s understandable Bears fans would sell their tickets because of the way the season has gone, and the challenge for us is to put a team on the field that Bears fans are so excited about that they’re not interested in selling their tickets.”

Oh, but they should do just that after hearing the president say the general manager might be ushered away quickly, though Poles is in charge of hiring the coach. “When we say long term,” said Warren of Poles, “a year is a lifetime.” Instead of setting another bad alarm clock in Lake Forest, how about firing Poles and asking Ben Johnson to help name a new GM? Maybe Ray Agnew in Detroit? Nah. Now that the Las Vegas Raiders need a coach, one of their owners, Tom Brady, will be calling Mike Vrabel to see if he is interested. And if Vrabel chooses New England, Brady will be calling Johnson.

Why would he have anything to do with the Bears? Regardless of the candidate, anyone witnessing the slush show should plan an emergency sickness. Right now, the Bears have requested interviews with these names, in my order of preference: Johnson, Vrabel, Todd Monken, Aaron Glenn, Arthur Smith, Mike McCarthy (way down here), Thomas Brown, Brian Flores, Drew Petzing, Anthony Weaver, Vance Joseph, David Shaw and Mike Kafka. So far, Kliff Kingsbury, Pete Carroll and college football’s potential national champion, Marcus Freeman, are not on the sacred sheet. The 2025 season starts in early September.

Is there a chance the Bears won’t finish their inquiries until autumn? Will Johnson and McCarthy collide in the hallway? Or, might they be swarmed by a preponderance of front-office people who shouldn’t be anywhere near the hiring process? If I’m curious about coaching the team, I’d like to meet with Poles and Warren and say hello to McCaskey. But in the circus folly created by Warren, who is next on the firing line after Poles leaves, he wants the GM to use every office member except the janitor.

Ready? Warren, Poles and McCaskey will be joined by Matt Feinstein, the director of football administration, and Jeff King, the senior director of player personnel. They will be joined periodically by assistant GM Ian Cunningham, who is interviewing for other NFL jobs when he should replace Poles. Is that it? No, just getting started.

Say hi to Liz Geist, the human resources officer. And Karen Murphy, the chief operating officer. And Tanesha Wade, an executive vice president and chief impact officer. And Ted Crews, a special adviser to Warren who deals with media people. And Corey Ruff, a senior vice president. And Krista Whitaker, an executive vice president and chief legal officer. And Meka White Morris, an executive vice president and chief business officer.

How many of these employees will ask questions? Imagine Johnson, trying to reach a Super Bowl with the Lions, spending hours in front of this phony battering ram? Will Vrabel just blow off his session? Why would Kingsbury or Freeman deal with it when their teams have big dreams? What are you doing with the Bears, Kevin Warren and Ryan Poles? What are you doing with Chicago’s tortured idea of entertainment?

“I think it’s really important,” Poles said. “Kevin and I talk about it all the time, just the continuity between football and business. That’s one thing we take a lot of pride in here. So it’s important when we get to the right phase that they’re involved as well, and become familiar with our staff. I think that’s important. It’s a part of the family that’s here. They support football and football supports business, and it’s a beautiful relationship and it’s something we take serious here.”

Tell us about these mass addendums, Kevin. “A lot of them like Karen Murphy — one, our chief operating officer — has been here over 20 years and they have insight into the organization,” he said. “And all of these interviews are, they go both ways. It’s not only us interviewing the candidates, but it’s the candidates interviewing us and I want to make sure — I know Ryan wants to make sure — that we provide all the opportunities for candidates to ask questions.”

Anyone asking a coach about a shoe size? A favorite smashburger?

To hear Poles, he will use “a wide net” of insiders to help. Why not scroll onto social media and tap that muck for guidance? In the wildest thought, he suggested he might trade for a coach — Mike Tomlin? "We'll look at all avenues to get the best coach here," Poles said. Why would Tomlin ever carry a Chicago nightmare when he has won with a prime franchise in Pittsburgh?

As we giggled and thought about Second City, Poles took one last shot at hokeyness. “We're looking for clear vision, a developmental mindset, really good game management, and obviously a plan to develop a quarterback is going to be a key part of that as well,” he said. “There's going to be some names that you don't expect that are going to surprise you because we're digging deeper than we ever have before. … We’re turning every stone to make sure we’re doing this the right way. We believe that is going to be really, really important.”

Digging deeper? Try burying another grave.

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Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host. Living in Los Angeles, he gravitated by osmosis to film projects.