IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO LAUGH WHEN NFL TEAMS TRY UPGRADING IN FREE AGENCY
From Maim Jordan references to Russell Wilson as “Ken” to Saquon Barkley signing with the Eagles — to Kirk Cousins joining Atlanta for a guaranteed $100 million — the moves transfixed Adam Schefter
The humor goes beyond Adam Schefter grasping his phone, then staring crevices into it, during sessions when ESPN hosts are speaking to him. I choose the coach of the Las Vegas Raiders, Antonio Pierce. He told his mammoth defensive end, Maxx Crosby, that a defensive package now including Christian Wilkins is comparable to the Detroit Pistons of the Maim Jordan years.
“We’ve got the Jordan Rules and we’ve got what I’m calling now, as long as I’m here, the Patrick Mahomes Rules,” Pierce said. “You remember when Jordan was going through it with the Pistons, all those guys in the ’80s before he became Michael Jordan, Air Jordan, the Pistons used to whip his ass. Any time he came to the hole — elbows, feeling him, love taps. We’re in his head, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, I’m touching you. So I’m showing my guys Jordan getting his ass whooped.”
At $110 million for four years, or $84.75 million guaranteed, Wilkins might want to study Rick Mahorn’s hazards before dueling Mahomes. The Raiders must survive at quarterback with Gardner Minshew, who will compete at quarterback with a glorified backup, not that anyone in Vegas cares that Aidan O’Connell attended my daughters’ high school in a Chicago suburb. Crosby might feel the same way about Minshew, possibly, after calling him a “little-ass boy” on New Year’s Eve.
And they don’t have a star running back after Josh Jacobs signed in Green Bay. But who cares if Mahomes is threatened by an orderly killing? The Raiders will win more than the Pittsburgh Steelers, who are giving $1.2 million to a new quarterback who otherwise is paid $37.8 million by the stink-soiled Denver Broncos. Turns out Russell Wilson needed to be paged by an attendant at a Vanity Fair party after the Oscars, which makes us wonder who invited celebrities and if Wilson stood during the “I’m Just Ken” skit. Why didn’t Jimmy Kimmel just slay him?
“Russell! Russell!” came the call as his Mercedes Maybach waited with Colorado plates, which doesn’t work any better than Pennsylvania ware even when wife Ciara heralds the last career move of her 35-year-old husband. She posted Steelers emojis and a hype video that won’t matter if Wilson loses the starting job to Kenny Pickett.
Then we have the Chicago Bears, who are still waiting to unload Justin Fields after the Atlanta Falcons gave $100 million guaranteed to Kirk Cousins. If it hasn’t occurred to management that Fields isn’t worth much on the trade market, maybe boss George McCaskey can ask team members why his anointed cover cornerback has a sexual addiction problem.
“I went to therapy last season. That was the hardest thing for me to open up to my therapist about. That is something nobody knew about,” said Jaylon Johnson, who signed for $76 million. “It’s like, man, we’re human, too. We go through things. Everybody goes through things. But I feel like people, like you’ve got to put a mask on, you’ve got to cover it up. It’s like, no, it’s OK to go through things. It’s OK to seek help. It’s OK to be vulnerable.”
And to think the Bears announced they’re abandoning a stadium site in Arlington Heights and are focused on spending $2 billion in private funding, to a space south of Soldier Field by the froze-my-nose lakefront. Never mind that $4 billion, at the least, will be necessary for a publicly owned project. Who is paying the rest of the bill? When Chicago says no, as it should to the begging White Sox, will the Bears return to northwest suburbia? And will Caleb Williams, upon realizing the ongoing internal mess, still bail to Washington or a less hassled franchise?
How would you like to be a fan of the New York Giants, who lost Saquon Barkley to … Philadelphia? Aren’t running backs undervalued? How did Barkley merit a maximum per-season salary of $15.8 million, making him the second highest-paid back in NFL history? He isn’t making anywhere near the salaries of big shots. But Giants fans ask if he’ll exact revenge twice a year down the highway. “Excited for the next chapter,” Barkley wrote on X before firing back viciously at a critic, Tiki Barber, who said, “Dead to us now. You’re dead to us, Saquon.”
No one is more excited than Cousins, whose wife returns to her Georgia roots in a very winnable NFC South. “It’s not about the dollars, but what the dollars represent,” he said. He doesn’t care about throwing to Justin Jefferson in Minnesota. He’ll join a monster offense with tight end Kyle Pitts, wide receiver Drake London, running back Bijan Robinson and three first-round linemen. The Vikings also don’t have a starting quarterback, unless we’re counting Nick Mullens or Jaren Hall, and are expected to pursue Sam Darnold. Fields? Not in the same division as Chicago. Should the Bears consider keeping him as a Swiss Army Knife cog? Must I do all their thinking?
“After significant and positive dialogue with Kirk and his representatives, we were unable to reach agreement on a contract that fits the short- and long-term visions for both Kirk and the Minnesota Vikings,” general manager Kwesi Adofo-Mensah said in, well, an apology. “We are moving forward with plans that allow us to continue building a roster that can compete for a championship.”
The Vikings haven’t won a Super Bowl. The Falcons haven’t, either. The Raiders haven’t won since 1984. The Bears haven’t won since 1985. They all keep trying in free agency, when it’s hard not to chuckle, unless Schefter looks in the mirror and realizes his earlobe needs an otologist and his suit coat needs an upsize.
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Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host. Living in Los Angeles, he gravitated by osmosis to film projects.