HOW IN THE NAME OF TOM CRUISE WILL LOS ANGELES SCREW UP THE PARIS VISION?

A near-perfect Olympics, with astounding performances and big TV ratings and no hints of violence, is followed by the 2028 Games in a city with homeless problems and issues that Snoop Dogg can't solve

     PARIS — A path was drawn from Stade de France to my home in Los Angeles, about 5,650 miles by sky and dreamery. I live surf waves from where Tom Cruise brought the American flag after scaling off a high roof and placing it on a jet. Eventually, he landed at the Hollywood sign — with five Os, as in Olympic rings — and handed it to a mountain biker. It was taken to gold medalist Michael Johnson inside the famed Coliseum, with a skateboarder involved, and it finally was hauled to the beach of the Pacific Ocean.

     The Red Hot Chili Peppers played. Billie Eilish played. And somehow, maybe via light-years travel but probably not, Snoop Dogg managed two songs with a butt-dancing girl who wouldn’t pass the checklist of the International Olympic Committee. That quickly, the wonderment of the Paris Games was thrust into the hands of my city.

     My nervous, petrified city.

     As I blow a French kiss to the culture and thank the headless Marie Antoinettes for leaving us alone — a city of light and love returned the Games to a fabulous existence — I must say L.A. is no more ready for 2028 than another homeless encampment and a new wildfire. We live in a weary and Kamala-happy California, which looks like a chump place after two weeks of extraordinary paradise. No director would dare make a movie depicting local defects. It wouldn’t have shocked me if the Chili Peppers sang, “Give it away, give it away, give it away, now.”

     We just might.

     How will L.A. ever approach Paris in magnitude, brilliance and order? There wasn’t a hint of violence. Athletic performances were astounding, led by Biles and Steph Curry and Leon Marchand. The venues were beyond belief, with a volleyball court beside the Eiffel Tower feeling like the coolest stadium ever created. An average of more than 32 million people watched each night on NBC and Peacock, melding cable and streaming in a changing world.

     “A Seine-sational Games,” said IOC president Thomas Bach, telling athletes they “created a cultural peace that inspires the world” after producing “sport at its best.”

     So what now, Hollywood? Cruise hasn’t personified us in three decades, if he ever did, and as we wondered about George Clooney and Ryan Gosling, they’d laugh at a stunt with “Mission Impossible” music. Paris produced art, fashion and vibes about a great life. L.A. remains a pit of trash and an impossible place to travel, with a Times headline Sunday stating it’s “too ugly to host the Olympics.” I like living there, because it’s 72 and sunny on my deck, and I haven’t looked at the weather in a week. But it’s damn difficult heading from the sea to … anywhere. Last we looked, 75,312 unhoused people live in the county. That’s more than the seating capacity at SoFi Stadium.

     The mayor is Karen Bass. So far, she’s clueless. She crossed a stage at the closing ceremony in a red dress, watched by athletes and fans in a massive environment while carrying the U.S. flag amid flashing lights of red, white and blue. That’s when Cruise dropped in on a zipline, testing his global worth at 62. He shook the hands of Bass and Simone Biles and was off on a motorcycle to North America. Only minutes before, Tony Estanguet of the host organizing committee thanked athletes for “record audiences, record attendances and, here in Paris, a new record close to our hearts: The most marriage proposals ever at an Olympic Games.” Why not? It was a love-in.

     In contrast, how does Bass plan to clean up the city? She hasn’t said, beyond the usual prattle: “We are going to get Angelenos housed. That is what we have been doing, and we’re going to continue to do that. We will get people housed. We will get them off the street. We will get them into temporary housing, address the reason why they were unhoused and get them into permanent housing.”

     While Bass was attending Olympic parties, how curious to see Gov. Gavin Newsom minding the homeless in her town. He wants to run for President in 2028 and must help L.A. San Francisco is responding to Newsom, but Bass ignores him. So he makes her look bad as she protects $7 billion invested in the Games.

     Until her homeless goal happens — which might be never — Bass wants residents to leave cars at home in four years. This will be “a no-car Games,” she said, ignoring how venues span southern California and why L.A. doesn’t have a transit system remotely as efficient and regarded as the Metro arsenal. “That’s a feat in Los Angeles — we’ve always been in love with our cars. People will have to take public transportation to get to all the venues,” Bass said. “Part of having a no-car Olympics means getting people not to drive.”

     How? Say I want to see basketball in Inglewood, at Steve Ballmer’s new Intuit Dome, and try beach volleyball near home in Santa Monica. How will it happen without a car? I live by the ocean. I can’t see the Rams or Clippers without a car. In Paris, I romped from one event to another on the train.

     Maybe the best concept is to show the beaches, the hills — and hope everyone has forgotten France by then. “We don’t have an Eiffel Tower. We’ve got a Hollywood sign,” said Casey Wasserman, who runs the local organizing committee.

     He also has the Kardashians. See?

     Even when the media sought controversies, there were few in Paris. Imane Khelif will sue for online abuse after winning a women’s boxing gold medal, claiming she is not transgender while Bach referred to attacks as “hate speech.” A Canadian women’s soccer coach was sent home after drones were used to spy on opponents. Noah Lyles should not have run the 200 meters while remaining silent about his COVID-19 positive test. The opening ceremony had what appeared to be “The Last Supper” interrupted by drag queens and dancers. Even Donald Trump got over it.

     Speaking of? “I just want to remind people, this is about the red, white and blue,” Wasserman said. “We all march behind the same flag, the same name, the same anthem, and this is something that’s going to bring our country together.”

     Tom Cruise couldn’t rally America as president. I don’t believe he’ll rally L.A. around an Olympics that could save its image. Bass believes she has four years. Sunday night should drop a hard hint that her city is sweating and needs her guidance.

     The clock has started. Los Angeles is nine hours behind Paris but, most likely, the lost time swallowed too many years and centuries.

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     Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host. Living in Los Angeles, he gravitated by osmosis to film projects.