ANYONE WHO THINKS A LEBRON-KYRIE REUNION WOULD WORK — IT CAN’T

Stalking history, James has all the leverage in demanding the Lakers acquire his former championship mate, but in the end, this is still Kyrie Irving and he is certain to sabotage all plans and hopes

     Right about now, LeBron James could sing in the shower and win a Grammy. He could speed down the freeway at 150 mph and receive a standing ovation from the patrolmen. He could ask to throw a pass in Super Bowl LVII and have the permission of Andy Reid and Nick Sirianni. He could ax-murder a dozen people and … all right, you get it.

     Even the mercurial Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, whose all-time NBA scoring mark will be eclipsed by James in a few days, is calling a truce in their complicated relationship and will be in downtown Los Angeles to watch his record fall. “As he closes in on my record, I have been a cheerleader urging him on, happy to pass the mantle to someone so worthy as an athlete and a person,” he said.

     So, the timing couldn’t be better for James to wield his leverage, not always a pleasant or advisable device. As he decides whether to unleash a sky hook like Kareem, flex a rigid wrist like Jordan or simply do what’s natural with the shot that exceeds the 38,387-point barrier, LeBron can speed-dial the woman who signs his paychecks, Lakers owner Jeanie Buss, and order that she and vice president Rob Pelinka obey his wishes. If he hasn’t already, he’ll demand they acquire Kyrie Irving before the league’s Thursday trade deadline, even if he has antisemitic leanings, believes the world is flat and wouldn’t take a coronavirus vaccine if he was on his death bed.

     And they probably will say, “Of course, Your Highness. Would you like a foot massage and caviar snack, too?”

     Just to be out front on this, while everyone hyperventilates about LeBron’s impending date with history, the melding of James and Irving will not work in L.A. LeBron wants it to happen despite being burned himself by Kyrie’s skittish psyche six years ago, when he demanded a trade out of Cleveland shortly after helping James win a championship. Now, Irving is asking to be traded out of Brooklyn, which comes 3 1/2 years after he fled Boston. No matter how well he is playing since returning from his November suspension — you remember the disturbing social-media post when he endorsed a film containing antisemitic tropes — and no matter how much his shot inventiveness and scoring might mesh sweetly with James and Anthony Davis, come on now. He’s still Kyrie Irving, always ready to disrupt a grand plan, always capable of sabotaging a teammate even if his name is LeBron James or Kevin Durant. He is certain to do something, far beyond our wildest imaginations, in the months ahead.

     Stuck with a losing record in the sub-playoff nether regions of the Western Conference, LeBron is willing to opt for amnesia and give Irving another shot. The Lakers, awash in the glow of a global event in an otherwise depressing period in their history, might be so in thrall that they’ll comply. It would mean relinquishing one or two of their remaining first-round draft choices, in 2027 and 2029, through decade’s end. But management says it wants to win now — “The calculus for the Lakers is to win a championship or not. There’s no in-between or incremental growth,” Pelinka said. And they’re not winning a playoff round, let alone a title, with middling trades that may or may not involve the expiring contract of Russell Westbrook, who happens to be playing his best ball as a Laker coming off the bench as sixth man.

     They want to do right by James, who has been vocal in pressuring the front office to make a significant deal or two in his age-38 season. He said the other night that he expects to play into his 40s, stating in New York, “It's not heavy. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to be in this league for at least a few more years. So I'm going to do it, it's not heavy at all.” He also wants the Lakers to do right by him, though he’s the one who knee-capped the organization by pushing hard for a Westbrook trade that robbed the roster of the shooting talent sorely missing now. If the record-breaker is followed by a second straight playoff-less spring, James will start making loud noises about wanting out of L.A., though that wouldn’t be an easy chore. How many contending teams would break up roster cores for a short-term LeBron? How many would offer what the Lakers desire in a trade? Plus, he wants to play an NBA season with his son, Bronny. What if that whim isn’t doable for another franchise?

     The Irving experiment would not work, contrary to James’ delusional ego. Only if he agrees to be a well-behaved rental for a few months would it have a chance, but behind such a facade, he’ll want a super-max extension exceeding $200 million. If the Lakers ignore him, he’ll just whine and cause trouble as he is doing in Brooklyn, where his agent and stepmother, Shetellia Irving, is being stonewalled by the Nets in talks about a long-term extension. It’s possible Irving will vanish from the team until he’s traded. Buss should let him remain the problem of the Nets owner, Joe Tsai. She won’t, it says here.

     Unless Buss thinks she can trade James this summer and obtain a sizable talent haul in return, she has no choice but to cede to his demands and take a deep breath. If nothing else, Irving is a conversation piece — a piece of work — in a town entertained by show-business goofs. But ultimately, the Lakers are judged by one metric, just as James as judged by one metric: Did they win an NBA championship or not?

     With the world’s eyeballs fixed on Crypto.com Arena — how long is that phony, outdated name going to stick? — Buss will be wowed by the milestone and the moment this week. “I think this is a record that really stands out among all the different records in the NBA,” she told ESPN. “I mean, this is the all-time scoring record. But this is really about a career that LeBron has built through his hard work and determination and talent. And while we will take a moment to celebrate, this is really about LeBron and reflecting on all the sacrifices he made to get to this point and achieve this level of greatness. It's really about him. This is his record.”

     Great is the operative word here. Get used to it in heavy rotation, for days. “I think it's one of the greatest records in sports in general," James said.

     Great events also feed great fallacies. It will be too tempting for Buss and Pelinka to double-dip, especially if James is positioned to break the record against the Milwaukee Bucks on Thursday night — mere hours after the trade deadline. Imagine if the Lakers acquire Irving, then celebrate LeBron with Kareem in the house. Heads will explode in southern California and across an NBA-daffy planet.

     Oh, the fun. Oh, the outrage. Oh, the freakish spectacle of it all.

     But it will not work, just so you know. Before you actually think it will.

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     Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host. Living in Los Angeles, he gravitated by osmosis to film projects.