AN NFL SCHEDULE RELEASE? IT PUSHES US TO BRADY, BUTKER AND BIGGER STORIES
Go ahead and guess your team’s win-loss record, while injuries await, but all I can ponder now: whether a roast-burned Brady makes waves about returning at quarterback and potent tales such as Butker
In the National Fantastical League, a schedule release is an unfurling of feral story lines. When Tom Brady arrives for the first Fox assignment of his $375 million contract, as Dallas plays in Cleveland, we’ll wonder why he left Bridget Moynahan when she was pregnant and why he didn’t know Gisele Bundchen was dating a jiu-jitsu instructor.
Notice how he hasn’t spoken about lies from Sunday’s “Greatest Roast of All Time.” Instead? He’s more concerned about his children: Jack, Benjamin and Vivian. “I loved when the jokes were about me. I didn't like the way it affected my kids,” Brady said. “So it's the hardest part, the bittersweet aspect of when you do something that you think is one way and all of a sudden you realize ‘I wouldn't do that again’ because of the way it affected, actually, the people I care about the most in the world.”
So do we knick-knock Brady the rest of his days for letting his life be harpooned by Nikki Glaser and Kevin Hart? It’s one way to measure the announcement of games for the 32 teams, which hugged the gambling orb and pushed aside the NBA playoffs and a sleepy baseball season. What about Kansas City kicker Harrison Butker, who opens the league season against Baltimore after attacking “dangerous gender ideologies” in a rant against Pride month, working women and President Biden? “Not the deadly sins sort of Pride that has an entire month dedicated to it,” he said, “but the true God-centered pride that is cooperating with the holy ghost to glorify him.”
Banner Night at Arrowhead Stadium won’t be so festive. “While COVID might have played a large role throughout your formative years, it is not unique,” Butker said. “The bad policies and poor leadership have negatively impacted major life issues. Things like abortion, IVF, surrogacy, euthanasia, as well as a growing support for the degenerate cultural values and media, all stem from pervasiveness of disorder. I think it is you, the women, who have had the most diabolic lies told to you. Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world. I can tell you that my beautiful wife, Isabelle, would be the first to say her life truly started when she started living her vocation as a wife and as a mother.”
Didn’t Butker kick the field goal that forced overtime in the Super Bowl? Might he yank away the locker-room chemistry that Taylor Swift couldn’t budge last season? Suddenly, his team’s hopes for a third straight championship could be stiffed by Lamar Jackson and Joe Burrow in the first two weeks. That assumes Travis Kelce will survive the rest of his party-crazed offseason, another story that never ends. Imagine trotting out 17 opponents for each operation without considering these odd ends?
Which of the league’s time visionaries is forcing Aaron Rodgers to open the New York Jets’ season, after a mean year of Achilles tendon recovery, on the road against the San Francisco 49ers? They will play Monday night, and there’s no chance his team will win or reach the playoffs, which might entice him to retire as age 41 nears. In Roger Goodell’s thirst to shove the NFL into the planet’s face, ready or not, the commissioner will open the international season in Sao Paulo, which cares more about Neymar’s next bathroom break than whether Green Bay’s Jordan Love will upend the Philadelphia Eagles. Their game is set for Sept. 6, a Friday night, which means the pros officially have invaded the space of high school football.
“Becoming a global sport is a major strategic priority for the league and 32 teams,” Goodell said. “Increasing international game inventory allows us to grow our global presence and share our game with exciting new markets to connect with more fans around the world.”
Hell, why stop there? Christmas Day 2024 comes on a Wednesday, the one place where the NFL hasn’t merged. Forget that. Netflix has entered the streaming racket, winning rights to air two games this year along with a game that day the following two seasons. So much for the euphemism of “Netflix and chill” alluding to sexual activity. Nothing is more important than the NFL, as the NBA woefully knows, and 270 million subscribers will explore worldwide. If Butker is still around — and he will be — the Chiefs will play at Pittsburgh while Baltimore plays at Houston.
“There are no live annual events, sports or otherwise, that compare with the audiences NFL football attracts,” said Bela Bajaria, Netflix’s chief content officer. “We are so excited that the NFL’s Christmas Day games will be only on Netflix.”
Does the birth of Christ no longer matter?
In Goodell’s grand scope, the league will boom in other continents as it has here. It still seems silly, when soccer rules and American football is a rare Beyonce concert, but three more games will be played in London and the other in Munich. What’s next? Bora Bora? Raved executive vice president Peter O’Reilly: “We look forward to building on the incredible fan experiences seen in Europe while taking the game to new fans in South America.” The commissioner wants to expand and have legitimate franchises in Europe, which speaks from an overextended ego and not from logistical common sense.
The team that interests me is the Chicago Bears, who finally have a substantial quarterback after 104 years of mostly abysmal performances. Caleb Williams says he aims to win eight titles, but, for now, fans just want to beat the Tennessee Titans in a unique home opener. That is doable, but in Week 2, Williams heads to Houston to face C.J. Stroud, the quarterback who should have been taken by the Bears last season. With one loss to someone who produced an all-time rookie season and won a playoff game, Williams is behind the 8-ball. Or, maybe he wins and carries on against the Packers and Lions, a Thanksgiving Day opponent in Detroit. I still say Williams notices Matt Eberflus is his coach, in early December, and asks management to hire Lincoln Riley.
When schedules are untied, the league creates video reels. Teams use mascots, celebrities and animations to introduce new seasons on videos. “I can’t find the first loss,” said a man in Minnesota, who might have eight or nine. They even use artificial intelligence and John Madden, which would have made the broadcaster’s bus collapse in a ditch.
What I want to know has little to do with scheduled games, knowing injuries baffle all odds. Centered in my mind is Brady. “I think it's a good lesson for me as a parent. I'm going to be a better parent as I go forward because of it,” he said of the roast. “I'm just doing my best to check in with myself as often as possible — with my physical health, my mental health, my emotional health. It's something I'm working on.”
Wait until Week 8, when the team he partially owns, the Las Vegas Raiders, can’t stick with Aidan O’Connell at quarterback. All it will take is one call from Mark Davis to Tom Brady. “I’m not opposed to it. I don't know if they are going to let me if I become an owner of an NFL team,” he told ESPN recently. “I’m always going to be in good shape. I'll always be able to throw the ball. So, to come in for a little bit, like MJ coming back, I don't know if they would let me. But I wouldn't be opposed to it. … I want to kind of rebuild my body because I lost a lot of weight. This year is a lot of work stuff.”
He is mentioning Michael Jordan, my god. Seems he hasn’t conceded yet. To me, watching him in the broadcast booth always involves a trap door to the locker room. That is your story in mid-May.
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Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host. Living in Los Angeles, he gravitated by osmosis to film projects.