AMERICA SHOULD WEEP ON JULY 4 FOR THE WONDROUS CHOMPER, JOEY CHESTNUT

You can’t blame a man who wants a vegan brand after torturing his body with 16 hot-dog-eating titles, but Nathan’s is banning him from its holiday event, which gives Chestnut more societal credibility

     My intestinal health suffered after a recent hot dog, at Dodger Stadium, after which I visited the hospital for a stroke checkup. I am fine. Joey Chestnut is not.

     In a delightful attempt to protect us from ourselves, the winner of eight consecutive Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contests tried his best to aerobicize this fast-food planet. He cut a deal with Impossible Foods, a vegan brand. It was his plan to win his 17th championship in 18 tries on the Fourth of July, which might have helped him break his tournament record of 76 sausages and buns three years ago.

     It won’t happen. Major League Eating, which hosts the event, is banning Chestnut for choosing a plant-based option. Nathan’s sponsors the Coney Island extravaganza, so, the company’s beef frankfurters win an outrageous breach. Quicker than Major League Baseball or the NBA banning a gambling violator, the mouth of the self-proclaimed “Jaws” has been shut down.

     “It would be like Michael Jordan saying to Nike, ‘I’m going to represent Adidas, too,’ ’’ MLE organizer George Shea said.

     Not really. Jordan has multiple paperwork documents with the shoe beast, whereas Chestnut says he has no signed deal with Nathan’s or MLE. So wouldn’t any attorney — who wants to work on a holiday — represent the tummy stuffer and win? Either way, more attention arrives for the healthier alternative. I suggest you no longer buy Nathan’s at an airport or a grocery store.

     “I was gutted to learn from the media that after 19 years I’m banned from the Nathan’s July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest,” Chestnut wrote on X. “I love competing in that event, I love celebrating America with my fans all over this great country on the 4th and I have been training to defend my title. To set the record straight, I do not have a contract with MLE or Nathans and they are looking to change the rules from past years as it relates to other partners I can work with. This is apparently the basis on which I’m being banned, and it doesn’t impact the July 4th event. Sadly, this is the decision Nathan’s and Major League Eating are making, and it will deprive the great fans of the holiday’s usual joy and entertainment.”

     There’s little chance anyone — except a pig butcher — will side with Nathan’s and oppose Chestnut. As it is, what damage has he done to his system in dominating so many proceedings? He has every right as a human being to take a smarter recourse. Impossible Foods might be wise, in fact, to launch a vegan competition. “Meat eaters shouldn’t have to be exclusive to just one wiener,” the company said.

     “We’re devastated,” said MLE, “that he has chosen to represent a rival brand that sells plant-based hot dogs. MLE and Nathan's went to great lengths in recent months to accommodate Joey and his management team, agreeing to the appearance fee and allowing Joey to compete in a rival unbranded hot dog eating contest on Labor Day. For nearly two decades, we’ve worked under the same basic hot-dog exclusivity provisions. However, it seems that Joey and his managers have prioritized a new partnership with a different hot dog brand over our long-time relationship.”

     Good luck to Nathan’s as it tries to find a monstrous scarfer who came to represent July 4, in the modern vibe, almost as much as the Declaration of Independence. Last year, the runner-up was Geoffrey Esper from Massachusetts, who ate 49 to Chestnut’s 62. Australia’s James Webb was in third place with 47. Remember, 14 years ago, Takeru Kobayashi quit the competition in a dispute with MLE. He tried to break into the contest with a “Free Kobi!” shirt and was arrested. At least Chestnut carried on. This time, with no plant-based possibilities, we might see the end of an era. The two might meet Sept. 2 in a Netflix special, and if Chestnut is wise, he’ll stay vegan.

     “Joey Chestnut is an American hero,” MLE said. “We would love nothing more than to have him at the Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest, which he has dominated for years. We hope that he returns when he is not representing a rival brand.”

     He’ll return, because devouring is what he does for a living. He wants a new league. “Rest assured that you'll see me eat again soon!!” Chestnut posted. “STAY HUNGRY!”

     At Dodger Stadium, I’ll try something new.

     A cup of health-ade Kombucha and a fruit cup.

     ###

     Jay Mariotti, called “without question the most impacting Chicago sportswriter of the past quarter-century,’’ writes general sports columns for Substack while appearing on some of the 1,678,498 podcasts and shows in production today. He is an accomplished columnist, TV panelist and talk/podcast host. Living in Los Angeles, he gravitated by osmosis to film projects.